Posted by: SM | December 19, 2011

VIII – Look Back, Don’t Stare

Turns out I did such a good job last week explaining what was going to happen in the op, that my parents were silenced by shock until around Monday evening. I presumed (wrongly) that Mum would be coming with us to the hospital (us being Claire, Anna, Dad driving and myself). I was wrong. Sadly Mum isn’t coming to the hospital on the day of the operation, Dad has asked if they can come up during visiting times after it, I have no problem with that at all. I haven’t stopped my Mum from coming with us on the day itself.

It could be hours of waiting around for a bed and a time for the op, I still don’t know how I’m going to handle this if I am honest. The calm, non stressed exterior might hold out long enough to get me in the gown, on the table rolling down to surgery. I really don’t know.

Luckily whenever I have been on the edge of possibly thinking about this and there has been the slightest tear in my eye (or both of them), something else has happened to distract me. I’m very thankful for this; whether it be peeling Claire off the ceiling after work, joining one of our favourite All Men Are Bastards rants or, or be it my Dad having a word with me in the car park of a restaurant while my Mum is inside, it’s all good stuff to deal with and have a laugh with that takes my mind off too much dwelling on next Monday.

Dad said some interesting things to me in the car. I listened and replied when I felt I could. I think he wanted more from me in terms of explanation regarding my attitude to our family. My parents feel I could have handled the operation stuff better and included them more and the situation with Danny confuses them still apparently.

They are disappointed that I have no interest in recreating the past where we used to be close. You can’t go back and I’m sick of re-treading old ground. The two of us have been more than civil when we have met, I can’t offer more than that. It’s not good to look back for too long, sometimes you just have to accept what is. It’s done and dusted and they need to let it go now.

We’ve all just got to get on with our lives and be happy, that’s the most important thing. Everyone, EVERYONE deserves to be happy. Even, if I let it happen enough, myself.

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