Posted by: SM | September 9, 2009

You Had A Boyfriend

Hola gorgeous people!

Took me a while to get me head in gear after Pride, the come down was a bitch and I wasn’t ready for it. Luckily, me being me, has therapy to attend most any given week so any issues could be dealt with and we’re now back in some kind of routine. My goals are simple and will mean nothing to someone who doesnt know what head issues feel like but, get out of bed, stay out of bed and find something to smile about is pretty much my lot.

Friends are good for helping with that, and Gay Group which I STILL haven’t been able to go to yet due to financial reasons. I reckon that will do me good. Write it off as a cheap way to meet guys if you want but put yourself in my place. I came out a year ago and I’m only just now in a place to begin handling what that means; I didn’ t realise that most of the work occurs after you have made that monumental announcement. It came to a point where I had all the girl friend support I needed, but eventually you need gay friends! If only to to discuss what it feels like to be looking at FHM magazine for the clothes while you pretend to be ogling the models, whatever the experience it’s just nice to have people who are able to say ‘oh my God, I did that too’.

Pride was a massive step forward for me, I now have some belief that at the end of all this I will be happy in my own skin!

Therapist’s big master stroke this week was to get me to stop predicting. Predictions like “they wont turn up, they never turn up” lead to automatic negative thoughts like “they were only doing it out of pity” and then before long you’re back on the spiral and the voices are louder than the smiles and you’re back in bed with the duvet over you. She’s trying to get me to restructure, so all the predictions now get the answer “how do I know?”.

I can’t go to Tesco because people are going to be looking at me, I’m gonna freak out, I’m gonna panic, it’s gonna be awful…I’m staying here! THAT BECOMES I can go to Tesco, how do I know what will happen? Sounds simple doesn’t it?

As for all the good gossipy stuff… well, a girl never tells! Except to say I gave him back to his boyfriend within the hour and his boyfriend was quite happy to let him go for that time!

In a bit – Moultyx

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