Posted by: SM | March 30, 2009

The Seldom Seen Kid

“Mondays is for drinking to the seldom seen kid”

Okey dokey then it’s been a while since I last wrote on here, and it being my site I figured it was about time.  Apologies for what is about to follow, I don’t know that myself at this point but I figure I must send some type of warning because I might well talk about some stuff that involves a few people. Some of those people know this already, others may no longer be around as much so this might suprise and or upset them.

If it does, build a bridge and get over it because it’s taken four months, a lot of alcohol, many tears, some pretty weird behaviour in the middle of the night and at this point one fairly heavy counselling session to get this far. All of the stuff I just mentioned is still going on, and more besides. But today I turned my computer on and I’m confident that it will remain on long enough to make one tiny step in the right direction.

“I plant the kind of kiss, that wouldn’t wake a baby on the self-same face that wouldn’t let me sleep”

This part is for one person and one person only, but  it’s written here so that I can see it mainly but also because I have no problem in other people reading it. This type of therapy, my boy, is better than any infused chemical you may choose to smoke and better than any of the people you may choose to surround yourself with now.  Here, right now, with Mr Garvey in my ears and my hands shaking as I type, I’m going to say that I will try my hardest not to let you push me any further down.

All the bad things that have happened have been the results of choices that you have made, and result in feelings that the rest of us are dealing with. I cannot speak for others but I want to be past the idea that I am to blame for any of the shit that is going on in your head. This will not make one jot of difference to you right now but one day it will. I give up the guilt that I feel because I feel I let you down. I will try very hard not to give you the power over my head that still remembers you crying on my floor apparently wanting to change when in fact you didn’t…I’m going to make sure that is no longer my issue. I’m going to give up wishing that you were the person you used to be, and regretting the fact that you are not. Your issues will hit you whenever they hit you and from now on I’m taking steps to get away from making them my issues.

I’m going to try so hard not to let you keep me awake at night and plague my dreams when I do manage to sleep. I’ve got a bit of news for you too, I gave up hoping that you would remember a single one of our birthdays ages ago.

I will in all probability go and hide under the duvet again in floods of tears after I have written this but I want to mark this as a moment when I started to try and get you out of my head at the level you have been for so long. I want there to be someone at the end of this massive head fuck I am in, and if I allow you to rent space in my noggin indefinitly I fear there will be nothing left of me.

I’m told it’s grief, right? Mourning without the finality that you normally get. And remember, we love you to bits!

This can also serve as answers for EVERYONE who continues to ask what I think or how I am coping. I am not coping, and don’t make the mistake of thinking it’s all about that one person. It’s a long therapy, this was just one session. This is a marker in the sand to see where I am starting from.

Now let’s see if I am brave enough to publish this, and let’s see what I write next time shall we?

Moulty

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Responses

  1. Im sure he may understand one day. Everyone makes mistakes you need to remember that. Growing up can be hard and sometimes it can take people longer to mature and realise that family is the most important thing in the world not the infused chemicals he may have chosen to smoke in his past. Also change is hard for some people especially ones who like rouitine.. but maybe one day he will realise or has already realised that routines can be broken therefore changes can actually be made.. maybe he has learnt his lesson support is always a good thingjust remember everyone eserves another chance regardless off how many chances they have had before.. hey thats what family is for.. you pick your friends but your stuck with your family which obviously im sure you already know. Another thing maybe he dint even realise what you were going through being as he was 16 at the time and thought drugs and alcohol were the world (i guess) anyways sorry for wobbling on your site at whatever time it is now.. am sure he loves you too bits

    “The truth is everyones going to hurt you, you just got to find the ones worth suffering for” – Bob marley…

    anyways take care
    🙂 xxx

  2. simon wtf man im your brother it took me bloody time to write that comment and it came from my heart and all you did was delted it… ive wante to sort things out between us for a very very long time but i guess you wont bother with me as you living with claire and think talking to me will jeprodiese summet or summet like that all i know is im still writing for no reason bcoz all you will do is delete this and carry on with whatever life your leading… im trying to sort my life out and ive nearly got a job am not hanging around with ickeds no more and still you blank m like sum piece of shit… i thought you knew about second chances bro… i love you wereather you do or not fuck knows… but maybeyou should just text me one day n we could go for coffee… ill pay… what more off an excuse do youneed… an half hour coffee with your brother… if not i finally know what you truley think offf me… anyways i hope you write back and arent too busy doing nothing at all… just remember we used to be the best brothers in the worldd…. and if u wonder why im writing on here try unblocking me off facebook BROTHER… anyways whatever ou think off me just remember ill always love you bro xx…. ohhh and p.s gay pride is amazing lol 🙂 xx

  3. jus FUCKING talk to me your soooo frustrating 😦 its been like to years… am sick offf your bullshit fake smiles when i see you.. just put some blooy effort in xx


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