Posted by: SM | December 15, 2007

Leaving it All There

27th October 2006 

Good evening friends and thanks for logging on…

This week has been particularly weird for me. Two of my best friends in work, and outside it to to be honest, are going for the same job in the next few days. Sitting on the fence was hurting my arse but I can’t see any other way of dealing with it from my point of view. Originally I made them both aware that the subject was not one for me, I was going to leave them both to it but in practice that is incredibly hard to do. That has changed now and I simply want them both to do their best. I started off not wanting to give anyone any help but now I feel that I’m not much of a friend if I don’t help them both. As long as I don’t share secrets I can sleep easily. There is a risk that goes with this that they and I are making too much of it but I really felt the situation could be very bad if I sign up with one of the parties too much.

At the end of the day this job means the world to both of them but they both mean the world to me and I’ll still be there regardless so in that knowledge I can be happy.

I always remember the piece of advice I was given before I started my exams. When I was sat there with the piece of paper and the potential to go in any direction, flying or crashing, make sure you fly as high as you can. To sit there at the end and know you could have done better is the worst feeling in the world, to know you didn’t leave it all on that piece of work. Then if it didn’t work out that feeling that you know you didn’t do enough would nag you forever. I’ve been through that. If you leave your hopes, dreams, knowledge, everything on that answer paper or in that exam, or interview and you fall short then you can walk away knowing you did your best and no-one will ever be able to tell you you did not. You know in yourself when you have given everything.

To fall short and know you could have done more is something that is very hard to come to terms with in yourself, or at least it was for me.

Of course after the summer when I fell short I went the other way and every spare minute I was going over information because I didn’t want to come out of the exam room thinking of all the time I could have gone over my stuff. People instead were telling me I had it covered and I had worked, and I still didn’t believe them so I did more. When the summer results came through I got the ones I wanted and I knew that it was because I had worked and worked and worked again. Fast forward to the end of the degree and January in my final year I am working towards a 2:2. I put the work in, left it all in the exam room and came out with a 2:1 and no-one can tell me I didn’t work extremely hard and earn it.

If you put everything into something like this and it goes the other way it can have a bad effect on you but luckily for me I was always able to realise that I put everything I could into it and if things didn’t work out how I wanted then I still couldn’t have given any more to change things.

Who knows which way this particular cookie will crumble, I remain silent on results. All I will say is that both of the people concerned will still have me around to annoy, delight and entertain them equally. Whatever direction things take.

Peace love and faith to all men (and women).

Si

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